perfectplaces | CALL MY BUTT OUT

I was hoping you could tell me. I didn't think...

[He's not letting go of Heigo any time soon.]

I'm sorry.

[So Shuji only knew that it was important, or at least that's how it sounds. Heigo can hardly blame him for how he went about learning more.]

I can't tell you much. [He fumbles off his glasses, letting them fall where they may, and rubs at his eyes with his thumb and forefinger.] There was... I was surrounded by something as soon as I looked in, and such a large concentration of it that I couldn't stay open. More than just history, that's for sure.

More than just a book or a weapon. [Shuji breathes in, breathes out. It should be a relief that Heigo didn't see much of his soul, but he'd rather have that happen than have Heigo suffer.] Alright. That's sort of what I thought - I'm sorry, if I knew it was going to be so bad for you I would never have asked.

[He would never cause Heigo pain, not intentionally.]

I know you wouldn't. [Heigo manages a small, slightly crooked smile up at him, his words meant to answer the unspoken statement (which he also knows) as much as the one spoken aloud.] So don't apologize any more, there's no need.

[While Heigo's managed to bring himself fully back to the here and now, he still doesn't feel strong enough to move - and yet he doesn't much like the idea of lounging around on the floor, especially not with Shuji staring down at him so sadly.]

Or you could make it up to me by getting me to my room?

That I can do.

[I hope he wasn't expecting Shuji to offer him his shoulder or something, because he'll just pick him up in a bridal carry.]

Remind me where it is?

[He hasn't spent a lot of time in Heigo's bedroom ~~sadly~~.]

Hey - Sh-Shuji!

[Heigo's not gonna object when he feels so unsteady, but that doesn't make him any less startled. As his cheeks flush with heat, both embarrassed and from a different source - 'cause damn, even Heigo can't deny that this is sweet and a little bit sexy - he looks away to point in the direction of his bedroom door. His place is small and quite open concept, so it's only one of three doors, the other two being the bathroom and a linen/storage closet.]

Have you always been this strong, or...?

Past life powers, sorry. Definitely since before you met me again, though.

[It's cheating compared to people who have to diet and work out, but at least he admits it.

He carefully carries Heigo to his bedroom, pushing the door open with a foot, so that he can gently lay Heigo on his bed.]

Want some water?

No, I just need to rest my... everything, for a bit. That felt like a month's work in the blink of an eye.

[What Heigo wants to add is "Stay with me," because he doesn't want Shuji to leave, but that sounds too raw when he repeats it back to himself. Instead, he closes his eyes again and says:]

I could find myself just as exhausted and thirsty in awhile, though, who can say?

[Stay with him, Shuji. He even makes as much room as he can, shuffling backward a little and rolling onto his side.]

[Stay with him. He can hear it without Heigo saying it.

Shuji sits down on the bed next to him. Without thinking about it, he starts to rub Heigo's shoulder soothingly. Hopefully soothingly.]

Too bad you can't take a month off work to make up for it.

[Heigo welcomes the touch with unusual openness, relaxing properly into his bed and letting out a long, slow breath. Too bad...]

I've taken a lot more than a month off, actually. A lifetime in the case of my current - well, now my last job. [Shuji's the easiest person with whom to practice delivering the news, since he knows about Heigo's other source of income and hasn't judged it from the moment he found out.] There are more important things to worry about right now.

[The state of the city. Himself. His friends. Their collective and separate realities. They've all, at long last, been placed above his self-image and that he wants to project to the world through his career.]

Edited 2019-01-13 21:16 (UTC)

[Shuji takes the news calmly. Heigo's an adult, he can decide whether his job is worth keeping.]

I can't say I blame you. I've thought about going down a part-time job or two for pretty much the same reasons, but it's work I enjoy. ...And taking time for things you enjoy is still important, especially with everything else there is to worry about.

[Most reactions likely won't differ from Shuji's, except for the people who point out that it's about time he cut off that massive dead weight of thankless stress. The things Heigo imagines people prioritize about him and the things they really do are worlds apart.]

There's also something to be said for distractions that eat up most of your time, isn't there? Maybe I ought to find a hobby to fill the gap.

[Since Shuji's made no move to take up any more of the bed, Heigo finally flops onto his back again and allows himself some more room. Long strands of his dark, disheveled hair have fallen across his cheeks and forehead in multiple spots, but he makes no move to brush them away.]

[Heigo can take up as much space as he wants. Since it's a worse position for rubbing his shoulder, Shuji instead brushes Heigo's hair out of his face.]

Maybe a musical instrument?

Mmm... [Heigo's always been weak to any manipulation of his hair, whether in the form of playing with it, fingers running through it, or simple petting. Right now he's too tired to worry about the intensity of pleasure in the little hum that leaves his lips, though he's careful about asking for more:]

Would it make this moment weird if I asked you to keep doing that?

Nope.

[Or at least, not any weirder than it already was. But he's fine with it, and Heigo's fine with it, so it's fine.

Once Heigo's hair is out of his face, Shuji switches to gently running his fingers through it instead.]

Now all really is forgiven...

[Even Heigo's usual dry humour can't hide how much he appreciates the physical affection right now. As he's let himself get close to people again, both new friends and faces from his past(s), he's felt the need for contact come storming back and not found very many options to soothe the old ache.

Well, at least not many he feels this comfortable with. He grins up at Shuji, eyes opening to sleepy half-mast; without his glasses to shield the expressiveness of his eyes, they're practically overflowing with grateful fondness.]

[Heigo is cute, particularly in moments of vulnerability like this. Shuji's honored that he's one of the few allowed to see it.]

Clearly I should pet your hair more often.

Shuji...

[They feel so close right now, so close in every single way, that Heigo's more willing to explain - or try to explain - the experience he went through in trying to use his ability on that book. Even if Heigo's completely wrong, his perspective may be helpful in unraveling the mystery, and he wants to be of some help.]

... when I opened up to your book, what I felt around and inside me wasn't just the linear path of a journey. That's usually the sort of information I absorb from an object - like a road map with notations, charting its existence from beginning to the present. But this was more like a web in which information moved back and forth, and sometimes so erratically that there was no pattern at all...

[What is he really saying? Much as he tries, he can't organize his remembrances, and that's what finally makes his meaning clear.]

If you tried to tell someone the entirety of your history in the length of a second, how do you think your attempts would look?

Something like that, I think.

[Nothing of that surprises him, which makes him feel even worse about what he subjected Heigo to.]

I had a couple of guesses. I don't know the summoning process Dazai went through very well, and I don't think he did either, but they came out of books like this. The best case scenario would be that it's just a book that turns into a scythe now - and I know saying just sounds stupid, but all books have spirits in them. Even math textbooks.

Worst case scenario, it's my soul.

Even math textbooks.

[Classic writer talking to an accountant, but since Heigo's also a writer, he just chuckles to himself.

Shuji's next words cause his laughter to die in his throat, though he doesn't look surprised either.]

So you didn't expect or want this to hurt me, but you knew very well that it might. [Not accusatory - Heigo would be an incredible hypocrite if he tried to say such words as an accusation - just an attempt to lay out the sum total of the truth where it can be seen in its entirety.] I would have said that the book itself is sentient, maybe even alive... but I did feel you in what I was able to understand.

Honestly, I didn't think that it would hurt even if it was my soul. I figured you'd get a look at my life, including the embarrassing parts, and you'd have ammo if you ever wanted to publicly humiliate me, but I wasn't really worried about potentially showing you that? I trust you.

[Which it's why it's worse that he betrayed Heigo's trust this way.]

If I'd realized that it might hurt you, I wouldn't have asked. I swear.

I suppose that if you've spent the entirety of this life in spirit form, your soul wouldn't know me. Some kind of sentient force could have been present and driven me out.

[In fact, it could have done so to protect him, not harm him, especially since his soul would know the presence of Ango Sakaguchi.

Ah. That thought rests in his chest with an odd mixture of pain and deep, deep affection.]

Maybe Dazai was looking out for me, Shuji. There's still no reason to blame yourself so harshly.

You of all people should know how hard it is not to blame yourself when your loved ones hurt. We're similar that way.

[But Heigo's reassurance gets a soft smile out of him.]

I'll try my best.

[Shuji loves much more openly and easily than Heigo does, or at least he's more honest with himself about it. There shouldn't be anything earth shaking about being called one of his loved ones.

Still, Heigo finds his earth so deeply shook that he once again has to close his eyes.]

I'm too tired to keep looking up at you like that. Come here.

[On the damn bed, Shuji. Surely that won't make it weird either.]

[It shouldn't be news. If it is, Shuji will have to be more affectionate.]

Okay, okay.

[Finally, he lies down next to Heigo, facing him. Still gonna play with his hair, though, that's important. Heigo told him not to stop.]

I might get too comfy to bring you any water.

[That's a lie, he absolutely would get out of bed for Heigo's slightest whims.]

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